HI! this month i’m going to talk about Alice later.. i got some personal stuff to share and talk about.
I have been going to therapy these last few months, never went, never tried to resolve stuff with someone’s help really. i learned very very early to kick out people who were terrible or dumb from my life YES including family members. and i built over the years a good steady family and good friends and i was the queen bee in highschool and had and still have Tons of good friends. Plus my husband for 8 years this august!
i’m very lucky but l also built this good and nurturing world around me, i took responsibility over it. I had a terrible childhood which fucked up things in my brain and that’s something i couldn’t “fix” and it does affect my life. Like, last month i talked about being a workaholic and that i work constantly and never take a proper break. so yes to your question, i get burned out a lot, every 4 months or so and i have times that i can’t do anything but stare at the wall a week at a time.
I want to resolve anger issues and really understand why i’m afraid to really stop doing things. Anyway, I talked to my therapist and i resolved some smaller issues that actually have some major impact on my work. I thought about it, you know, i don’t enjoy creating dolls unless it’s for the fun of it and also Photography, I love to photograph and have a skinny pretty model in my studio, but again. Only for the fun of it, not to do it for a project.
so i decided not to do those things anymore, that is, If i want to photograph/create a doll I’m doing it for the FUN of it, not to make an exhibition. I want to get back to my true love which is to paint in oils. Now there’s another story there, perhaps just in my head but i hope you’ll get it. I used to paint dark images, a lot of black, dramatic and sad (obvi i was there mentally).
Eventually i was so fed up with those dark colors it made me want to puke so i tried to go 180 degrees to vibrant and colorful. That didn’t pan out either. I mixed it with instead of using models actually to sketch out ideas- from my natural hand the lines that come out are usually bizarre and surrealistic. so i tried that too, Didn’t pan out.
I tried more poster styled art,
and than i tried pastels and it finally felt OK. Like yes this is the direction but “Not It”.
I am honestly trying to figure out who i am as an artist. Who and what do i like to paint, that is something of a mystery still. BUT i got something right. My latest painting “Soft” got something right.
I don’t like colors all that much and i don’t like black and white images. i love a lot of light, i love beautiful girls, Lolitas preferred (which is odd because i like burly men LOL). i like, well, not positivity but more of a calmer tone? and with NO “But behind the mask” stuff. I like my images a but flat, i like the flatness. I’m still searching for that thing that will make me feel like a traditional artist and hopefully i’ll be able to pouch a good gallery to exhibit my work after i’ll have my style defined.
NOW (short) Alice news.
There are a lot of stuff i know that can’t talk about. i do have to say i was so suprised about the love that “Perfectly unbalanced” got. i had a discussion with a good friend of mine and she said it’s a masterpiece and i told her that i just wanted to paint those dresses pretty with a yin yang. She laughed at me and said that she doesn’t understand how I don’t understand what i painted.
I fucking designed from scratch the Chesh plush, i mean who would of thunk that me, a HUGE random fan will create a cat that people from around the world will squish and love?! this is so cool! i made a physical item and it worked really well. American told on his stream that i’m helping out with organizing stuff and it’s true! we created the first draft for Shock and Slumber and we are working on the first draft for Denial. We got so many characters in this world, i hope it will feel rich as it should. I hope i’lll get a key role in designing the game. I don’t know how much American has faith in me but i hope that the next game will be even mroe amazing that the last.
i want it to be DARK but not like a stupid 13th friday massacre thing. i want it psychologically dark and artistically None-Deviantart dark. anyway cross your fingers, thank you for reading (:
1. I learned i’m actually quite good at the business part of the arts, i just needed a bit of confidence and to understand how things work! i started to really listen to people who know things much better than me and I think i’ll be able to do much more now than 3 months ago. Not only because this exposure and big platform but because now i understand more or less how things work business-wise.
I got a new friend named Roi, he is great, going to meet him on Monday to talk to a new curator about participating in a new exhibition OR/AND an Artist interview. Their event is like a night where art and networking meet but it will happen AFTER the exhibit.
